Crying. It seems to be my new thing. I wrangle the children into the car and head off to our homeschool activity for the week.
While the other mums sit, I chase a toddler with a baby in the carrier and try to count to three repeatedly as I look off towards my big girls. I’m surrounded by people but feel absolutely alone. And I cry.
I get asked “how are you going?” and I’m unsure how to respond. I know this person wants to hear “fine thanks, how are you?”, but I despise small talk and really want to respond with the truth, “it’s really hard at the moment”. And so I respond with something in the middle like, “Walter’s doing really well”. In my frustration, I cry wishing conversations were deeper. I fall short of the mother I desire to be. And I cry.
My hips ache and I have a headache again. I pray it doesn’t turn into a migraine and I cry because my bodies not my own.
I put five children to bed alone for the fifth night in a row and I cry from sheer exhaustion once I hop into my own bed. My husband comes home from another long day’s work and he is a sight for sore eyes. He holds me compassionately and I’m so thankful he’s mine. Despite our imperfect relationship and the ups and downs we face together, I’ve learnt that the Lord intended for his arms to be a refuge and a hiding place. Together we’re sojourners in this world and I long for the moment when I’m held by my Jesus, and I cry.
But I am not devoid of hope.
I am weary but I’m not overcome. I’m lonely but I’m not alone.
I’m pushed to my limits but I’m not broken. I think of my Jesus and I pray.
The tears I cry are not sad ones now, but simply my body’s natural response to hormones and a new, changing season. As I wipe them away, I’m reminded that there will come a time when He will wipe all my tears away, and this will be the last time I ever cry. Friend, if you’re having a difficult time, it’s okay to cry. Take it to the Lord in prayer.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” ~ Revelation 21:4
*If you’re experiencing hopelessness please seek professional support